I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
