She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
