Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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