just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
