He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
