Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize