thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
