I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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