I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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