So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
