Having a random hookup so left but love u
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
