Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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