i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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