shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize