he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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