I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
