I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
