I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
