im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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