Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
