This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
