i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
