but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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