sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
