if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
