I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
