Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
