I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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