dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
dude. I can hear the air.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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