Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So much Jack, so little girl.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
