I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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