When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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