Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
