and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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