he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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