I can text with my tongue
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
