I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So here I am, sexting at work.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
