fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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