theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
