Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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