Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize