When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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