apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
