This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
