you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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