someone owes me an orgasm
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
