after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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