Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
