I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
