My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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