Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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