She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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